COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Tom Cruise & Cher

For real, this actually happened. It was the late 1980's, Cher was in her 40's and had recently divorced Sonny Bono. Bono (not the douche from U2 with the glasses) was an older man 11 years Chers senior, the two moved in together when Cher was 17. Newly divorced Cher was on the prowl and looking for young meat, she was what is commonly refereed to these days as a cougar, Tom Cruise was a happy go lucky fun loving scamp and was the talk of the town in Hollywood. Cruise has just appeared in Risky Business and was making Top Gun, he was the TENDER age of 23. The affair lasted for several months and then ended when Tom Cruise left Cher for Mimi Rogers, another older woman. Two things are certain (1) Tom cruise likes crazy taller woman and (2) Cher likes shorter crazy men. Perhaps Cher never really got over Tom Cruise and has forever mourned his loss, maybe 'If I could turn back time' was an ode to Tom and the crazy sexy outfits and cannon straddling were all part of a scheme to lure Tom back? 

COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Dolph & Grace Jones

People say the 80's were a time when anything was possible. Seriously, is this not the best thing you have ever seen in your life. There was a time spanning a few years in the mid 80's where Grace Jones dated recent chemical engineer graduate Dolph Lungdren. They apparently met while Dolph studied at the University Of Sydney and Grace was on tour. Grace convinced Dolph to move to New York and become a model .  Grace was almost at her peak of, well, just about everything and while working as an actor on the James Bond film 'A View To Kill' convinced the director to cast Dolph in a minor role. And thus began the illustrious career of the actor Dolph Lungdren and powerhouse couple of Grace & Dolph. New York wasn't big enough for the two of them and the couple later split. Speaking from experience sometimes crazy just can't match smart, those arguments are never going to end well. Dolph is a walking oxymoron himself yet alone throwing Grace in to the mix. A pop star, model, actor, actress, chemical engineer, fashion icon couple -  there was just never enough time in the day to keep the relationship going. Hell - even Gwyneth Paltrow had to give up acing so her and Chris Martin could keep a family. Well at least I wish she stopped acting, come to think of it I wish Chris Martin gave up singing too.

COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Elton John & A Woman

There's nothing better than mixing work with pleasure, a born romantic Elton John proposed to his recording engineer Renate Blauel in a restaurant in Sydney, Australia and four days later they married on Valentine's Day. Elton married Renate at St. Mark's church in Darling Point, Sydney with Elton's long time friend Oliva Newton-John in attendance. At the time it was well publicised that Elton was bisexual.  After just three years Elton's relationship had flickered and went out 'like a candle in the wind'. Elton and Renate filed for divorce with Elton stating 'I was not honest with Renate, I married her while I knew my truth was different'. I guess the journey to Australia wasn't a total loss, on the same journey Elton also picked up a Melbourne tram and shipped it back to his stately home in Southampton to use as an office. Recapping the 80's Elton blames his poor decision making on his drug and alcohol abuse, I guess it's like Rick James said 'Cocaine's a hell of a drug'. Oh, and in case you hadn't worked it out - the reason the marriage didn't last is because Elton likes men.

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COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Whitney & Bobby

Even though the Royal Wedding has come and gone let's not forget that even though it works out in the beginning some people clutch at straws and the relationship lasts far beyond its use by date. Whitney was the golden child of 80's R&B, coincidently enough she also went out with Eddie Murphy in the 80's who was actually in The Golden Child. Bobby Brown on the other hand was the 'Bad Boy' of R&B and was formally in the boy band New Edition which he left in 1985. The stupid thing about going out with Bad Boys is that IT NEVER WORKS OUT. Hell it didn't even work for George in Seinfeld, it always ends badly. 1992 was the year that Whitney was in The Bodyguard, it was also the year she married Bobby Brown, talk about highs and lows. In this case Bobby turned Whitney on to 'the rock' and apparently she spent days on end in her bedroom getting high on crack! Bobby ended up in court for driving under the influence and not appearing in court and after the divorce they ended up in court again as Whitney refused for the kids to see Bobby. I'm kind of on her side with that one. The couple divorced in 2006, after numerous allegations and photo evidence Whitney still claims 'Crack is whack'. In my book a 14 year marriage to Bobby Brown is also considered whack.

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COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen

The Royal Wedding is tomorrow!!! Flavor Flav wears a clock around his neck, stands at 5'5" has a whiny voice and has an attempted murder charge against him. Brigette Neilsen is a tall blonde 6'0" model actress who met Flavor on a reality TV show while she was engaged to another man. They went out for a year between 2004 -2005, Brigitte then went back to her former fiance and later booked her self in to rehab for substance abuse. Im guessing she was most heavily under the influence between 2004 -2005. But then again Flavor does send a positive message to all short guys out there....reach for the stars!

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COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Jackson & Presley

There are three days until the British Royal Wedding but not that long ago there was a Royal Wedding of another kind, the King of Pop and Daughter of the King of Rock 'n' Roll. No one could have ever guessed the unlikely pairing of the two who were wed in 1994 only 20 days after Lisa-Marie Presley divorced her first husband. The two were married for less than two years during the highly publicised trial that Michael faced. Lisa filed for divorce in 1995 shortly after starring in the video for 'You are not alone' in nothing but a tiny white towel. No surprises that it only lasted 19 months, Lisa now lives in Tunbridge Wells in the UK - Rule Britannia!

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COUPLES THAT DIDN'T WORK: Whoopi & Ted Danson

In light of the upcoming Royal Wedding it is a good time to think about all those couples that just didn't work out. Some times we ask ourselves why it didn't work and other times I  just sit there and wonder why in the hell would you think that would work. First up is the magically wrong couple of Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson from 1992 - 1994. Whoopi herself is just straight up weird although I did like Jumping Jack Flaskh where she hid in the cupboard while the police looked for her and let's face it - she did play CRAZY quite well in ghost. Ted wasn't that funny in Cheers and had a very public balding issue and apparently ended his marriage for an affair with Whoopi. Whoopi & Ted I'm sorry it didn't work out but really I'm not that surprised. 

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